you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
