Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
