I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think people are normalizing furries
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize