genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
