he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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