Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it was like eating out sand paper
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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