i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
