I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
