ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
