Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
