Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
