Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize