Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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