I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
