You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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