ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
