You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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