i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
