I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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