just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
