She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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