I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
