I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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