I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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