I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
