i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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