did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
