Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
