So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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