just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
