Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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