I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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