Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
