I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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