dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
