put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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