I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
