i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
