Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
