I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We talked him into tasing himself.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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