i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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