It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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