I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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