I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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