I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
