Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
