nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
