it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
