I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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