I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
