My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
