obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
