I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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