my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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