dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
