You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A bitchslap is in order.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
