Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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