Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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