Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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