i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
