Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize