My Higher Power is John Stamos
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
