Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
A+ Viking dick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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