What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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